Christmas is hard for me. I tend to make it a measurement of my success. A family has eluded me. Where I live it is difficult to volunteer at the last minute since everyone else has the same idea. Every year I swear I will start applying in June but forget about it. People recommend viewing Christmas as a sick day. I want to celibrate it fully. Norman Rockwell had no single people, did he? Most churches have special services for those bereaved or otherwise hurting. I regularly attended mignight mass at the Anglican Cathedral Church of St. John the Divine in NY. It is the largest cathedral in the world. St. Peter's in Rome is a basilica. The bishop would go out of his way to welcome singles, esp. those still reeling from broken relationships. I'd tear up and then survey the crowd. One-third of the people present seemed to be alone. Not one of them seemed to be a loser.
Volunteering is great, if you can find a gig. It makes me get away from all this commercial nonsense. My problems, while substantial, are better than many people. Jewish people spend the day at Chinese restaurants. I tried this but tend to want plum pudding and roast beef at Christmas. It is a hard day for me to maneuver. I've cried and cried. My inner child reels from the hurt of no Christmas growing up. We never had toys. I attended public school before the school prayer decision. I loved singing the carols and exchanging gifts. My mom looked the other way.
My grandmother was a harsh JW taskmaster. She was active from Bible Students days. When my dad died, his sister invited us to spend Christmas with them. She came with us. We feared the tension over Christmas celebration. We were ready to have our mom disfellowshipped. Shock of all shocks. My grandmother celebrated quite actively with no mention that Christmas was evil.
I think of myself as part of a great crowd alone on Christmas through no fault of their own. Hopefully, I won't be so alone in future years. Even when I lived in Manhattan, I found Christmas wanting because of all the hype. It seems out of ordinary time. Perhaps that is the whole point. I remind myself that Bethelehem had no fireworks or Tiffany's. Once I attended the cathedral with family, friends and lover. Maybe next year. Just as the Jews proclaim "Next year in Jerulasem" I hope for better things. I acknowledge the good of the present.
It passes in a few days. My sister lives down the road and celebrates but I am not invited. It has nothing to do with me. You should see my tree -- many hopes are invested there. I read Advent essays, A Christmas Carol, the Twelve Horribles of Christmas. Every year I read the opening poem of John. It is breath-taking. When I first started celebrating Christmas, it was awkward. Now I can't imagine not celebrating.
A good gift is Heifer, Intl., a Christian group that donates livestock animals to developing countries. I can only afford gifts of half a good sheep or a hive of bees. People seem to appreciate the spirit. It much better than slippers from QVC.
